Why You Are Not A Weight Loss Failure

Sustainability is what makes a weight loss journey successful. Weight-loss programs that only produce short-term results are systemic failures. Too often, however, the individual engaging in these programs begins to view themselves as failures, and a progressive pattern of guilt and shame results. I aim to eliminate that shame and help you experience true and lasting life change.

The Hidden Barrier To Lasting Weight Loss

About a year and a half ago, I had the privilege of speaking with Jill, a forty eight year old mom of three. Our tele visit consultation was done at her dining room table, and she showed up proudly wearing her “Mom of Boys” shirt.

Her family was extremely busy. There was hardly a night without some form of sports practice. Weekends were built around the sport of the season. In the summer, it was swim meets. In the fall, it was football. In the spring, track (and the moms who have all sat through an eight hour track meet collectively said, “NOOOOOOO!”).

Living in Florida, her family loved theme parks, riding bikes, and their latest passion, pickleball. While she loved spending time with her family, it had become increasingly difficult to keep up. Her weight kept her on the sidelines. She often found herself as a casual observer instead of an active participant.

Over the last several years, her weight had spiraled out of control. Despite repeated attempts at various programs, she was no better off than three years ago. If anything, she was worse.

Jill had spent thousands of dollars pursuing one failed attempt at weight loss after the next. From popular commercial diet plans to low carb trends, intermittent fasting, and the latest semaglutide craze, she had tried it all. She had paid for multiple gym memberships and personal trainers. The list seemed endless.

Standing at 5 feet 5 inches, she now weighed over 300 pounds for the first time in her life. Much to her chagrin, she learned from painful experience that most commercially made chairs have a weight limit of 250 pounds. Sitting had become risky and embarrassing. Standing was no better. Her orthopedic surgeon had already told her that her right knee was bone on bone.

She had briefly toyed with the idea of bariatric surgery, but her family was against it. They saw it as a last resort.

On top of all this, weight struggles ran in her family. The year 2020 was brutal. COVID claimed the lives of her mother and father three months apart. Eight months later, her older sister also died from COVID related complications. The treating physician commented that her weight had contributed significantly to her death.

Now a frustrated, broken, and desperate woman sat across the screen from me with tears streaming down her face. When I asked about her goals, her answer was painfully simple.

Her main goal for losing weight was simply to watch her kids graduate from high school.

Nothing fancy. No goal weight. No dream pants size. She just wanted to be there for her kids.

Sound familiar? Could that be your story?

In my talks with patients every day, the story is predictable. Life takes over. The pounds accumulate. Multiple weight loss programs fail. Hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars are spent, only to find the weight issue worse than before. In desperation, many finally look toward what is often viewed as a last resort.

It does not have to be that way. There is an answer. But I have to warn you: the answer is not simple or quick.

If you have finally admitted that “Dieting for Dummies” is a failed approach and you are ready for real answers, then the path forward begins here.

In this article, we are going to talk about one of the biggest hidden barriers to lasting weight loss:

The shame cycle.

How The Diet Industry Profits From Your Shame

The diet industry makes billions of dollars each year off our shame and frustration.

Chances are, if you have tried a diet of any type or been encouraged to diet, you have been conditioned to feel guilt and shame in response to eating. You eat something that is labeled “bad,” and then you feel like a bad person.

Guilt is a natural, and sometimes healthy, consequence of failure. If we have done something that harms us or others, a sense of guilt can help motivate us to change course and prevent future failures.

However, guilt can also become a destructive force.

When we allow chronic or excessive guilt to mount in our lives, it leads to shame.

Shame is not just feeling bad about what you did. It is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress tied to who you believe you are. It is associated with:

• A negative self image
• Withdrawal and isolation
• Feelings of distress, powerlessness, and worthlessness

These emotions are everywhere in the world of obesity and weight loss.

They are also incredibly profitable for an industry that convinces you that the problem is simply your lack of willpower.

How Shame Gets Conditioned Into Your Life

Shame rarely appears out of nowhere. It is usually learned and reinforced over time.

Shame can be conditioned in us through:

• Diet culture that labels foods as “good” or “bad”
• Well meaning but unhelpful parenting techniques
• Comments from friends, partners, or co workers
• Healthcare workers who try to “scare” you into change
• Your own internal dialogue after a lifetime of “failed” attempts

Maybe you had a health conscious parent who constantly commented on what you were eating. Maybe your doctor warned you that if you did not lose weight, serious health consequences could follow. Maybe you have told yourself over and over again, “I will start over Monday,” and then watched Monday come and go.

Whatever the source, the result is the same:

You begin to believe that when you eat “bad” food, you are a “bad” person.

You internalize the message that you are the problem.

We also live in a perpetual state of restriction and rules. Do this. Do not do that. Eat this. Never eat that. It is easy for shame to take root in that kind of environment.

Once this guilt and shame cycle begins, it is not easy to break. It often looks something like this:

1. You commit to a strict diet.
2. You “break” the rules and eat something off plan.
3. You feel guilty about what you ate.
4. That guilt snowballs into shame. You tell yourself you are weak, lazy, or broken.
5. Shame feels unbearable, so you eat for comfort or give up completely.
6. The cycle repeats and reinforces itself.

Over time, this pattern teaches you to see yourself as a failure, not as a human being who is trying to learn and grow.

You Did Not Fail At Weight Loss. The Diet Industry Failed You.

Breaking these cycles is absolutely essential if you want substantial and sustainable weight loss.

Here is the perspective shift that opens the door:

You did not fail. The diet industry failed you.

If we feel bad when we eat, we keep searching for the next diet that we will finally be able to stick with. The one we will not “fail.” The one that will finally fix us.

From a business standpoint, this endless search is incredibly profitable. If you succeed and truly keep the weight off, the diet industry stops making money on you.

Look closely and you will notice a pattern. Almost every diet program will tell you how to lose weight. Very few, if any, will teach you how to maintain that weight loss for the rest of your life.

Yet maintenance is equally, if not more, important than losing weight in the first place.

So let me repeat this clearly:

You did not fail. The diet industry failed you.

You have been given oversimplified, one size fits all answers to a complex and deeply personal issue. You have been sold quick fixes instead of long term strategies. You have been encouraged to chase a number on the scale instead of true health.

When you understand that, shame begins to lose its grip.

The Difference Between Failure And “Failing Forward”

At this point it is important to make a critical distinction.

There is a difference between:

• Failing at something in a final sense

And

• The normal missteps, or “failures,” that naturally occur while you are learning and growing.

Those small failures are not proof that you are broken. They are part of the trial and error process that every successful person experiences.

Think of anyone who has mastered a skill, built a business, or competed at the highest level. If you ask any Olympic athlete about their journey, they will tell you it has been full of failures, fears, and rejections. They did not reach their goals because they never stumbled. They reached them because they kept going.

The same is true in your weight loss journey.

You will be faced with choices, over and over again. Often it will feel like you stand at a fork in the road:

• One path is driven by fear of failure. It leads you toward the easy road, short term comfort, and old patterns.
• The other path is driven by courage and a long term vision. It asks more of you, but it leads to the results you truly want.

When you confront your fears instead of avoiding them, you begin to see obstacles as stepping stones instead of dead ends. Small steps yield big possibilities. You possess the power and ability to change your story. In the next blog in this series, we’ll look at three areas of change that will help you break the shame cycles in your life: (1) how you view yourself, (2) how you view weight loss, and (3) your thinking habits. 

Are you a candidate for our weight loss programs? Take the quiz!

*Florida Coast Weight Loss Center (FCWLC) is a unique practice

focused on changing lives. I am a foregut surgeon specializing in bariatric

and reflux surgery whose primary mission has always been focused on life

change for my patients, not simply losing weight. At FCWLC, our goal is

to treat patients anywhere from thirty to five hundred pounds overweight

with compassionate and individualized care.